A FEW
THOUGHTS ON RELATIONSHIPS |
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| In response to the many evils of men, here are the gentle ladies guidelines on how to choose a man HE, has or is.... | This is a short blurb in retort to the ladies list... |
| 1) opposable thumbs are a must | 1) double jointed |
2) nice eyes |
2) nice ass |
| 3) clothing conscience | 3) clothing conscience |
4) gives good head |
4) gives good head |
5) About SEX, (makes me feel like a porn star) |
5) must or Pretend to enjoy, see # 4 |
6) Likes spicy food |
6) not scared to try new things (doggie style is not that adventurous) |
7) High pain threshold |
7) Midgets get the thumbs up (opposable) dwarfs are creepy |
| 8) NO WHINING | 8) NO WHINING or Wino’s (there really only room for one drunk here) |
| 9) must have female friends he relates to | 9) have “female friends...” are a big bonus and I am not fucking All
of my female friends. |
| 10) must not fear insects | 10) is not afraid of bugs |
11) doesn’t leave wet towels in the bed / or the hamper, jackass |
11) doesn’t wet the bed |
| 12) Doesn’t fear us, we will probably not kill you | 12) doesn’t think that they own me. I can be whipped with out ownership see #4 |
13) Drop EVERYTHING...fix the crisis NOW |
13) knows breaking a nail is not a crisis |
| 14) must enjoy making out | 14) must enjoy foreplay |
15) likes scotch, |
15) likes scotch, shit, forget that noise, just don’t care that I like
scotch, a lot. |
| 16) has a sense of etiquette (knows which fork is which) | 16) know that if you don’t pay rent she can’t complain about my work
hours |
| 17) it is not about you, this is about ME | 17) knows that not EVERYTHING is about her. |
18) Doe not abuse hats |
18) owns more than ten compact discs and doesn’t listen to the radio
regularly |
| 19) good choice in footwear | 19) good choice in foot ware |
20) musical aptitude |
20) appreciates a variety of music |
| 21) owns at least one suit, preferably black | 21) does not wear a pants suit |
22) Has tended bar at least once in his life |
22) doesn’t mind waiting for me at the bar. (no tom cruise references, please) |
23) Tall enough to reach shit for me |
23) Height
is not really an issue, but don't wear 6in heels if you are the same height
as me. |
| 24) Looks better the day after shaving | 24) doesn’t shave face ever, but legs and pits are recommended |
| 25) must either dance or NOT, trying if you can’t is not acceptable | 25) understands that not every one dances the same, |
| 26) No Watches that BEEP or ugly watches | 26) realizes that I know it isn’t 18 inches |
27) Sense of irony |
27) has no “grateful dead bear” tattoos. or any other stupid tats |
28) Sense of sarcasm |
28) knows when I am being sarcastic/or using irony |
| 29) politically aware | 29) is politically aware but not a silly bleed heart liberal or a scary Christian conservative |
30) owns cufflinks |
30) does not were cuff links or have a buzz cut |
31) Can not drink GIRLY drinks |
31) drinks something, Odwalla or Gatorade does not count |
32) doesn’t chew gum |
32) doesn’t think that it is cool to pass gum while kissing |
33) Authentic cologne |
33) knows designer imposters is not perfume, it is also not a gift |
| 34) Does not think that the Bath and Body Works is an acceptable x-mass gift | 34) doesn’t ask repeatedly for something for x-mass and then get mad when
they get it |
| 35) Must know remakes of music verses the original, and know the difference | 35) doesn’t think that 311 wrote love song |
36) Must know either Sinatra or Ella Fitzgerald, both are a bonus |
36) No Brittney or Justin. |
37) NO LEG HUMPING!!! even if it is a joke |
37) knows that a hand job is not sex |
| 38) Realizes that the commercials are often better than the actual show | 38) realizes that CSI is not something to do Mon. Thurs. and now coming
Sun. nights |
| 39) no television in the bedroom | 39) No TV’s in the bedrooms unless it is showing our video tapes |
40) Doesn’t drag me to multiple hear band concerts |
40) When I leave the room don’t ask me where I am going |
41) must know the difference between Green Day and punk rock |
41) must know that Green Day is not punk rock |
| 42) NO Anime | 42) Hello Kitty....get the fuck out of here |
| 43) Must cook well | 43) must cook well or at least not think a good meal is prepared in
1 min. 30sec. |
44) NO “Friends” (the television show) |
44) knows that Dharma and Greg is not funny |
| 45) No Monet/Van Gogh prints, but if you have the original we can talk$$$ | 45) must not smoke pot in the bathroom because “the neighbors will smell it” |
46) calls just to say hello |
46) I will call to say hello, but not thirty times a day. |
| 47) thinks of me at the grocery store | 47) thinks of me at the beer isle at the Harris Teeter |
| 48) no cheap beer | 48) knows a keg of Natural Light is not a party |
| 49) A road trip does not mean a long drive to visit the relatives | 49) knows a road trip doesn’t mean driving 800miles to visit you. |
| 50) must like ketchup | 50) I don’t give shit about Ketchup, I had better expectations for you,
Amanda. |
| 51) no socks during sex | 51) Socks are ok but booties are not |
| 52) wears socks | 52) doesn’t say ouch just before cumming |
| 53) NO “Oh jeez!” before blowing a load | 53) remembers that my name is “GOD” |
54) Do not ask if it was good...you ought to be able to tell from the yawning |
54) doesn’t ask if I am done after fifteen minutes |
55) stuffed animals are not manly |
55) knows that conversations are possible without screaming or tears |
| 56) No model posters | 56) please no boy band posters |
| 57) Doesn’t watch scrambled Cinemax porn | 57) knows that cinemax late night is not porn |
58) You had better not get caught masturbating |
58) (this really is only a retort)
gives me at least 3 minutes a day to myself |
59) uses at least one hair product |
59) uses hair product, preferable shampoo |
| 60) Don’t tell me I need a pedicure | 60) doesn’t pluck errant back hair( there is only one or two) and no
pimple popping either |
61) must clip nails (his own) |
61) has a sense of humor and knows when i am joking |
62) do not abuse mirror placement. |
62) doesn’t abuse mirrors |
63) doesn’t fart while peeing followed by an audible sigh of relief |
63) defiantly is not allowed to fart, while peeing, followed be a sigh of
relief |
64) matching furniture |
64) knows just because I didn’t answer the phone it doesn’t mean that i
am avoiding you, but if this is the 6th time you’ve called this
hour I probably am. |
| 65) must appriciate x-mass lights | 65) knows night lights are not sexy |
66) Doesn’t sweat too much |
66) moves enough to sweat |
67) Smart enough to recognize my genius with out being condescending |
67) is smarter than a rock |
68) must like to leave the house, no work doesn’t count |
68) must like to leave the house (particularly when I am in it) but comes
home when she is horny |
69) HE MUST know the man on the boat |
69) Oh fuck it, a warm wet hole and two tits will do fine. |
69) I get as many 69s as I want...
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69) I get as many 69s as I want
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DC AREA LINKS Check this article on cooking with the grape juice! |
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